its almost like being awake.

so i can't sleep tonight. i've tried everything. its just not in the cards. but its not like i'm functioning and fully awake, bright eyed and bushy tailed. i'm just not asleep. which is even more rage-enducing. at least if i was unable to sleep because i was doing some great thinking or reorganizing my whole wardrobe i'd feel productive. but i'm just not asleep.
the best way i can describe this type of awake is that it is sort of like having a muscle spasm in my brain. i lay here waiting for sleep to come and just as it arrives =zz= my brain reactivates with nothing special to think about or remind me to do. it just won't shut down for the night.
so now i have propped myself up and decided its time to make this unrest productive by thinking and blogging about the following:
so, lately i feel i've been standing on the presupice of something great. i'm not sure what it is but i'm preparing myself. things are just lining up in an oddly neat manner and it seems they must be pointing toward something.
change of topic. this will be left vague, but i have a feeling two of my friends will be able to read this cryptic type and understand as if they were in my head thinking this for themselves. it is no secret that i am a person who does not hide or mask my feelings or emotions. this can be good and bad. but one thing i learned during my parents divorce was that it does no one any goood to lie or or disguise truth. and that is a direct comment on having strong and open lines of communication in every relationship you value - family, partner, friend, co-worker. no matter. i also learned that its not a good thing to eat doritos and sit on the couch while my parents were divorcing, but those 75 pounds will be discussed another time. ok- so, sometimes things happen in life that you know will lead to inexplicable amounts of happiness in the future. you may not know the date said happiness will begin or even a ball park estimate, but you know it will be. i've got that right now. and that constant knowledge of forthcoming happiness is awesome. however it comes at the price of knowing there will be considerable challenge and pain to achieve the happiness; as with all good things there is a price to pay. at present, there is a hint of that pain sort of constantly nagging at me, letting me know its gonna happen. it's like a bad joint. it hurts, you get used to living with that pain at all times so much so you almost don't notice it anymore but at least once a day you feel it full out and it steals your breath. thats where i'm at right now. even though i haven't really met even one big painful obstacle yet, i can feel it a little bit all the time. but the pain is sort of good. it makes me know i'm feeling - i can feel it. which is good because if you can feel the pain then you can feel all the good as well. and the best part is at least once a day i get a little shot of the delight that opposes the pain. and that little taste is enough to make the pain worth dealing with. so i've come to love the pain. it's a reminder of the delight that relieves it.
and the best part is i know - i don't know how i know, but i know- that the delight will eventually be the norm. i have total faith in this and it makes everyday a little better.
so with this realization i have developed a little saying to keep the inspiration up: "every reward starts with a challenge. meet your challenge eye to eye. make your challenge your friend. after all, your challenge holds the key to your reward so it can't be all bad."