its time for me to take time and thank you for all of the entertainment you have provided over the years: the parent trap, georgia rule, mean girls, accidental vagina glimpses as you roll your coked-out mess of an existence out of a car that costs more money than i'll ever know. ya know - the classics.
but it seems i am the bearer of sad, but true news. while you were doing your jail time and 46th stint in rehab hollywood got a little antsy wondering how dependable you will be when making all your 'films.' now, don't worry, they're gonna let you keep your little linda lovelace biopic. but the it seems ... you've been replaced.
meet emma stone. she has taken your place as a functional actress. notice the similarity in appearance. i know its hard to tell because she's not foaming at the mouth, sitting in a puddle of her own sick, and her eyes aren't aimlessly rolling around in her empty head like the little plastic beads on the spokes of my childhood bike. but the cold hard truth is that emma stone is here to stay and she has rendered you unnecessary. anything you can do, she can do sober. catch her new film, easy a in theatres this weekend.
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